Make sure you look both ways first.

Did you ever wake up and feel like your "big chance" is never going to come around, and then it does (or something does that has potential to be does) and you find yourself scared shitless? It's a lot of emotion to wrestle with. On one hand you have the slightly responsible side of you reminding you to weigh all of your options and think carefully about the consequences of your actions. And then there's the completely irrational side of you asking if you're going to spend your life always wondering "what if?"

I feel as if I could potentially be there and what doesn't help is having a completely grounded boyfriend who lives in the real world. So here's my situation/dilemma in a nutshell. I recently and by recently mean 2 years ago, graduated from college with a degree in Graphic Design. Great! I thought, now off to the real world to find myself a job and start living like a big kid. So off I went to my first job, which lasted all of 3 months before I realized that I wasn't in the right sector of Graphic Design for me. I ended up going through 1 more job before landing in my 3rd since graduation, which is where I am currently.

While trying to figure where I wanted to be as a designer, I was also realizing that I had been suppressing some dreams that I allowed my realistic self to push to the back burner. Acting and singing. Since I had no formal training I started auditioning and participating in some student and independent films. Always secretly hoping that one of the roles will lead to meeting someone who as actually someone in the business. Of course it's a bit of a pipe dream at this point. And I find myself struggling between "hey get real, there are thousands of well trained actors out there trying to make it" and "you only live once. If you don't go out there and try, no one else is going to do it for you."

I started this venture about a year ago, while also holding down a full-time Graphic Design job. It's not easy and it's really limiting as far as what productions I can and can't audition for. I only have nights and weekends free, where as other actors who are pursuing their dreams full-time have all the time in the world because they are dedicating themselves 100% to their dreams. I'd love to do that, but again that damn realistic side reminds of the bills, loan payments, health insurance, grocery shopping etc that would be difficult to maintain if I weren't working a steady job.

At this point I probably have 6 films and a few musicals under my belt. And now I'm at my crossroads. Well maybe not THERE yet but definitely seeing potential on the horizon. I found a posting for principal work on a feature film with some big names in it. I wasn't sure that I fit the roles perfectly but figured I'd submit my headshot and resume anyway. I mean what could it hurt? Besides the posting had been made only a few days prior and I imagined they'd be sifting through resumes for at least a few days trying to weigh the best options to bring in for auditions. I guess I'm still pretty nieve, because I receieved a phone call that same day from the Casting agency requesting I come in for an audition...on Tuesday. Keep in mind, I work full-time. 9-5 M-F...damn the acting world. Why can't they work around my schedule? Since when doesn't the world revolve around me? Naturally I'm already thinking past the audition to, what if I'm cast? When are they filming? Where are they filming? How long is it going to be for? Don't get me wrong it would be a HUGE step forward to be cast, but it would mean that I'd have to leave my full-time, consistantly paying job. And in this economy who feels comfortable just throwing caution to the wind and saying screw it, I'm in!

So here I sit, my mind changing like the weather, especially since I don't have full details about anything. A few months worth of shooting might make it worth it, depending on pay of course. But only a few weeks really wouldn't because despite the great experience that it would be, I'd be left jobless. But who knows who you could meet on the set. Everyone says it's about who you know, right? I guess where I stand at this point is that I'll just go to the audition and take things from there. I must say though, taking control of your own destiny can leave you feeling helpless and lonely. Life was much easier when I thought that just wanting to do something was enough to get me there.

Testing...

one, two, three