A non promise

I never promised to be unemotional, easy-going, better, uplifting, worth it, easy to deal with, perfect, strong, bold, unwavering. I have faults and flaws like everyone else. I bleed when you cut me and I cry when you hurt me. I analyze everything and try to be considerate of everyone, even though I'm not always given the same respect in return and it often times puts me last. I am my own worst enemy and my biggest critic. I will never be good enough and I will always feel like a burden. I will question why my friends want to be my friends and why each of my siblings has more to offer to our family that I do. I will always play the "what-if" game and poke holes in everything because I've learned that surprise disappointment is worse than seeing it coming. I am fatalistic to a fault. But I never promised not to be.

I'm just a girl. Just one person in this whole big world trying to find my way, whatever that may be. I stumble a lot, yet I'll always tell you that I can do it myself. Actually admitting I needed help would put me back in the burdensome category. But sometimes, I do. I am loud, obnoxious and catty for a reason. I am not self-assured in any way, shape or form. I fake it well, but I'm not. I want to be like everyone else yet I want to feel important, special, loved unconditionally. Feel like my existence matters. I want to not feel like my time takes away from time better spent doing other things or with other people. I want to feel like a part of something, rather than a distraction from the more important. I want to matter. I want to be worth inviting along on a regular basis, and not an obligation from time to time just to appease me.

I never promised not to be any of the things that I am, although I never asked to be any of them either. I'm trying. Trying to work through the faults and flaws, but more often than not they win out. We've all got them. But in all fairness to me, I never promised not to have them.