And this one's for you.

"Let me show you how great life could be!" I've pleaded over and over, with promises of a perfect life and the ideal relationship, me as the backbone to the beautiful fairytale. Visions of family dinners and soccer games danced through my head. Laughter and smiles, bedtime stories and kisses good night, nights of passionate love-making and nights of exhaustion; falling asleep hand in hand, ridding ourselves of the days' stresses. And so you let me. You said, yes. I want you to show me all of that. I want that, with you.

Disappointment. After 6 months of trying to show you what I promised, I sit here with disappointment being my biggest take away. But not disappointment in what you'd think. I spend a lot of time evaluating and complaining about people who act as if the world revolves around them. How could they not have consideration for anyone else? How is it that their first thought is themselves and not how their actions could potentially affect anyone else?? Then I hear myself. "This is how I feel." and "This is how I'm affected by this set of actions." and "These circumstance aren't ideal for me." And I realize I'M one of those people. But I'm actually the worst kind. The kind that doesn't realize it AND the kind that tries to hide behind words and phrases like "No I understand what you're saying, but [insert part about how I'm affected]." I'm a walking disclaimer so that I don't have to hold accountability for not thinking about anyone else.

My disappointment lies with me and only me. I'm disappointed that I've spent this long picking our relationship apart and subsequently poking holes in it. I'm disappointed that every time I've asked for something and been given it, somehow I've made it seem like it's not enough. I'm disappointed that despite the innumerable conversations had to put certain topics to rest, or maybe just to alleviate concerns about them, I continue to let them be points of contention. I feel like a goldfish (yes I know that they're actually smarter than given credit for and that they can remember the solutions to underwater mazes, just let me have this example) like conversations happen, issues are resolved, and the next time something triggers that same concern, it's as if the resolving conversation never occurred. I'm disappointed that most of the memories we share of the past 6 months are in-depth conversations about my feelings, passive aggressive commentary, buckets of tears shed and not goodnight kisses and bedtime stories. Sure the memories are sprinkled with catch in the backyard, a trip to the museum and plenty of sex, but they're tainted by the negative that I've created.

So this is my plea. As much as we'd like to, we can't erase the past. I can't take away the past 6 months of strife just as you can't really take away the year that we struggled through to get here. But don't give up on me, on us just yet. Trust is earned, and I've made it seem like you're the only one who has trust to earn, but I do too. I need to prove that an accident on the turnpike won't ruin a weekend just because I'm arriving an hour later than planned, or that a request to stay in jersey due to poor weather doesn't have to be tossed back and forth 75 times before being presented because it might cause me to spiral downward questioning our relationship.

I need to prove that when I say I know that it's not Xavier over me, I mean it, and you know that I mean it. Instead of always assuming that I haven't been considered in anything, I'm going to start assuming the complete opposite. I'm your person. Naturally I'm going to hear about your considerations for everyone else in your life, mainly your son. Hearing about everyone else doesn't have to mean that I'm considered any less. I've made it beyond clear where I'd like to see our relationship go, and we've discussed it only about a bojillion times. You've assured me each and every time that you want it too. I'm going to stop assuming that's changed because Steph stopped by your house, or because your credit score took another hit, or because Xavier's reached another milestone and you couldn't possibly be thinking about children with me when you have, what could only be described as, the most adorable little boy created already, or because I get overwhelmed with my personal finances thinking i'll never have enough money to help us get anywhere. All of those things are there. Every day. But that doesn't change the part where we want to build a life together.

All I'm asking is that you don't lose hope. Not yet. I'm going to start showing you all of the great things that I begged you to let me. You've waited so patiently. Thank you. It's going to get easier and we're going to get better and when you say "she's my person" it will mean just that. I'm your person. Thick or thin, hard or easy, fb photos on your doorstep or not, I'm your person.

"That’s all [time] is: a trick. There’s no such thing as the past: it exists only in the memory. There’s no such thing as the future: it exists only in our imagination. If our watches were truly accurate, the only thing they would ever say is 'Now'.”

I want to live in the now with you. Forever.

Relationships are like cleaning the bathroom. Sometimes.

Cleaning. When I'm in the right mood, I love to do it. I get a sick satisfaction out of tackling the bathroom armed with bleach, a scrub brush, Clorox wipes, paper towels, Windex, whatever else you can imagine and making what is presumably the most disgusting room in the house sparkle from floor to ceiling. I know that I'm not alone in this. You don't have to admit it, but just know that I know. For me, the most gratifying part of the entire escapade is the shower after the fact. This my friends, as you all know, is no ordinary shower. No, no. This is one of those soul cleansing showers. Cleaning the bathroom is one of those tasks that you only take on when you absolutely NEED to accomplish something. Work is stressful, your mom is driving you nuts, you're having writers block, whatever the case may be you NEED to feel as if you can still accomplish something. So this shower isn't only ridding you of the grime that you can feel under your finger nails and in your hair but of whatever inner turmoil you've been struggling with. And no matter how daunting the project seemed when you began the cleansing ritual, you step out of that shower with your head high with the feeling of satisfaction.

How could this possibly relate to anyone's relationship? It's kind of like that phrase "sometimes you have to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough." Sometimes you have to really get in there and scrub the dirt out of all the nooks and crannies before you can make any progress. You've got to get out all of the insecurities, concerns, feelings, thoughts, assumptions, everything and just lay it out on the table. I recently had some experience with that, hence the post, and it was both one of the worst and one of the best days that our relationship has seen.

It was supposed to be a night of celebration. New jobs, new beginnings, the closing of chapters, the opening of new ones, etc. But somewhere between 2 beers and a tequila shot and 4 beers and 2 tequila shots something went awry. Like any relationship, we aren't immune to having issues. The problem for us is that we've got a lot of additional outside factors that we hold no control over but are affected by: an ex that will be there forever, a baby, some legal proceedings, general childishness and immaturity that when all put together can be a stressful combination. Not to mention we're both highly sensitive. I guess after 5 months of dancing around feelings, and thoughts, and "what does this mean" and "why would he say that" it all came to a head. I wish that I could remember more of the nuts and bolts of the conversation but thanks to the Belgian beer and jose cuervo everything is a little blurry. Bit of a catch 22 though, because w/out the alcohol the conversation may have never taken place. The thing about all of this that's particularly interesting is that it wasn't some big blowout that happened in the middle of the living room at 2am (trust me we've had those too) but it was a civil, public conversation that took place at a bar where we both just let go and put everything out there on the table. Feelings, questions, concerns, misunderstandings, insecurities, everything and hashed it out. Was it pretty? No. Were hurtful things said? Yes, but not in a way to try and BE hurtful but in an open and honest, "we need to work on this and it's because of you," kind of way. It's really hard to not just listen to someone tell you your character flaws, but to actually hear them and come to grips with the fact that some things are in fact, your fault. Kinda sucks.

We came to some kind of resolution and decided to head home. Both physically and mentally exhausted we got home and passed out...letting sleep wash over us and letting our subconscious sort through hours of discussions. Sleep was the equivalent to the post bathroom cleansing shower. I woke up the next morning happy, uplifted, genuinely positive about our relationship. I felt good. And so did he. We needed, more than either of us a knew, time to just spout out everything that's been on our minds for so long. We needed to clean out all of the nooks and crannies of our relationship. Life is hard and it's grimey and it piles up on us like dirty socks, used q-tips that have missed the trashcan and soap scum. It's important to recognize that it wasn't always like that. That it started clean and fresh and new, and that if you work hard enough at it, you can get back there, no matter how dirty and grimy it gets. It's worth it.