I never promised to be unemotional, easy-going, better, uplifting, worth it, easy to deal with, perfect, strong, bold, unwavering. I have faults and flaws like everyone else. I bleed when you cut me and I cry when you hurt me. I analyze everything and try to be considerate of everyone, even though I'm not always given the same respect in return and it often times puts me last. I am my own worst enemy and my biggest critic. I will never be good enough and I will always feel like a burden. I will question why my friends want to be my friends and why each of my siblings has more to offer to our family that I do. I will always play the "what-if" game and poke holes in everything because I've learned that surprise disappointment is worse than seeing it coming. I am fatalistic to a fault. But I never promised not to be.
I'm just a girl. Just one person in this whole big world trying to find my way, whatever that may be. I stumble a lot, yet I'll always tell you that I can do it myself. Actually admitting I needed help would put me back in the burdensome category. But sometimes, I do. I am loud, obnoxious and catty for a reason. I am not self-assured in any way, shape or form. I fake it well, but I'm not. I want to be like everyone else yet I want to feel important, special, loved unconditionally. Feel like my existence matters. I want to not feel like my time takes away from time better spent doing other things or with other people. I want to feel like a part of something, rather than a distraction from the more important. I want to matter. I want to be worth inviting along on a regular basis, and not an obligation from time to time just to appease me.
I never promised not to be any of the things that I am, although I never asked to be any of them either. I'm trying. Trying to work through the faults and flaws, but more often than not they win out. We've all got them. But in all fairness to me, I never promised not to have them.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Turn the other cheek
I'm sure that everyone has at least one memory of coming home from school, eyes brimming with tears caused by the kid sitting behind you in math class who leaned up and whispered something about your greasy hair; or the girl with the coolest clothes who you overheard telling her best friend about your hand-me-down, too short jeans; or the really cute boy, you know the one you'd been eying up since 1st grade hoping and praying that for just one day he'd chase you around the playground, referred to you as "the big girl" when picking teams for gym class; or [insert embarrassing tear worthy childhood memory here]. Remember how it felt like the world was actually going to end? How could you possibly ever go back to school? Walk through those halls knowing that they're all thinking that same horrible thing?
Somehow you make it home and your mom takes one look at your bloodshot eyes, coupled with your splotchy cheeks and knows that someone's hurt her baby. She sets you up on the counter and listens as you sob and choke your way through the horror all over again, shedding a tear with you because she remembers how cruel kids can be. And like every great mom, when you're finished she holds you close reminding you how wonderful you are, and how elementary/middle/high school doesn't matter and that someday all of those nasty little shits will grow up and realize that all of the thoughts they had and the things they said were hurtful, spiteful, nasty and completely unnecessary. You get the obligatory "just ignore them" advice, a cup of hot chocolate, your favorite movie, and the secret delight when she tells your brother and sisters "leave your sister alone tonight, she had a rough day at school. And DON'T ask her about it. It's over." And they don't ask, at least not right away, because as much as they're dying to know what happens, they'd rather not suffer the wrath of mom.
5, 10 years down the road, if you're lucky you run into one of those nasty little shits and most of the time, they have in fact, grown up and you can go on leading your lives like normal adults who realize that belittling others to make yourself feel better works in quite the opposite way actually. Maybe you grab a cup of coffee and catch up, or exchange email addresses, or swear to reconnect via facebook, either way you can file that "life ending" childhood memory away, because it was just adolescent immaturity.
What happens when the immaturity is coming from a 30 year old, and it's no longer about your greasy hair but about your character and reputation? When she's no longer just taunting you with insults, but running her mouth all over the social media world, airing untruths about you and your life, because it's easy. It paints her in the light of the victim, and she has, after all, grown up in a world where she's not required to accept responsibility for the results of her actions because how could her parents' dear, precious daughter ever be anything but perfect? How do you hold on to your integrity, how do you find the warmth of your mothers arms and the perfumey scent of the hot chocolate when you have no other defense than to just take it? You could retaliate with equally cruel insults, but that just puts you right there on her level, back on the elementary school playground and that's not how adults react.
In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. She has an opinion. Congratulations. There are any number of people who would discount every word that has come out of her mouth, but she's like accidentally getting a drop of blue dye in your pink cake batter. Sure, there's a sea of wonderfully creamy pink, but now you've got to work to drown out that nasty spot of blue. Perhaps when all is said and done, no one will even notice the slight discoloration in your otherwise perfect batter, but in the back of your mind, you know. You'll always know.
Somehow you make it home and your mom takes one look at your bloodshot eyes, coupled with your splotchy cheeks and knows that someone's hurt her baby. She sets you up on the counter and listens as you sob and choke your way through the horror all over again, shedding a tear with you because she remembers how cruel kids can be. And like every great mom, when you're finished she holds you close reminding you how wonderful you are, and how elementary/middle/high school doesn't matter and that someday all of those nasty little shits will grow up and realize that all of the thoughts they had and the things they said were hurtful, spiteful, nasty and completely unnecessary. You get the obligatory "just ignore them" advice, a cup of hot chocolate, your favorite movie, and the secret delight when she tells your brother and sisters "leave your sister alone tonight, she had a rough day at school. And DON'T ask her about it. It's over." And they don't ask, at least not right away, because as much as they're dying to know what happens, they'd rather not suffer the wrath of mom.
5, 10 years down the road, if you're lucky you run into one of those nasty little shits and most of the time, they have in fact, grown up and you can go on leading your lives like normal adults who realize that belittling others to make yourself feel better works in quite the opposite way actually. Maybe you grab a cup of coffee and catch up, or exchange email addresses, or swear to reconnect via facebook, either way you can file that "life ending" childhood memory away, because it was just adolescent immaturity.
What happens when the immaturity is coming from a 30 year old, and it's no longer about your greasy hair but about your character and reputation? When she's no longer just taunting you with insults, but running her mouth all over the social media world, airing untruths about you and your life, because it's easy. It paints her in the light of the victim, and she has, after all, grown up in a world where she's not required to accept responsibility for the results of her actions because how could her parents' dear, precious daughter ever be anything but perfect? How do you hold on to your integrity, how do you find the warmth of your mothers arms and the perfumey scent of the hot chocolate when you have no other defense than to just take it? You could retaliate with equally cruel insults, but that just puts you right there on her level, back on the elementary school playground and that's not how adults react.
In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. She has an opinion. Congratulations. There are any number of people who would discount every word that has come out of her mouth, but she's like accidentally getting a drop of blue dye in your pink cake batter. Sure, there's a sea of wonderfully creamy pink, but now you've got to work to drown out that nasty spot of blue. Perhaps when all is said and done, no one will even notice the slight discoloration in your otherwise perfect batter, but in the back of your mind, you know. You'll always know.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Another case of the Mondays?
There's something about opening a sealed envelope addressed to me that gives me a chilling satisfaction. Someone actually sat down and took 5? 10 minutes? out of his/her day to send me a personal greeting. Not an email "thank you" or a someecard with someone else's quick wit but their immediate thoughts and sentiments, on paper, with a non-erasable pen. Meaning they can't read, reread, tweak, spell check, over-think what they wrote and revise it until it's the "perfect draft" of what should be just a quick thought. It's heartfelt and sincere, down to the inconsistencies in characters and decorative swoosh underlining my name.
It's Monday morning. I worked from 9:30am to 11:30pm yesterday at my 2nd job (waitressing). After a 30 min phone conversation with the boy to discuss the trials and tribulations of my 14hr day and a shower, I was in bed by.....1ish? All of this is setting up the fact that I didn't get a whole lot of sleep. I was exhausted when my alarm went off at 6:45 this morning, then again at 7:15, and finally at 7:30 when I drug my ass out of bed. This left me approximately 30 minutes to take the dog out, blow dry my hair, send a bitchy text to my sister about the theft of my straightening iron, gather all my crap for the day and get to the car. Needless to say, I ended up running a little behind schedule. I also decided that stopping for coffee was a necessary must, and hit up starbucks before actually getting to the office. I used to think that arriving anytime after 8:30 was "late" but for the past few months if I get there by 9 I consider it a good day. So anyway, 9:05 I roll into the parking lot just to find that I'm one of the first in the office. Great. Glad I was so concerned about getting here on time. Gathering all my crap for the day (laptop, purse, coffee, remaining makeup to be applied), hiding behind my Lady Gaga sized white sunglasses, I marched into my own personal 5' x 5' hell, also known as, my desk. Lo and behold what do I find? a tiny, baby blue envelope with my name on it propped up against my keyboard! The handwriting is familiar, although I can't remember why but as I open it and notice that it's more than just a blue envelope, it's a blue envelope with a brown liner and an embossed logo of Crane&Co on the front, I know exactly who it's from. There aren't many people who would take the time to select such a simple yet elegant stationary with which to write such warm personal greetings on, who then go on to actually use it. And just like that, a little blue envelope and decorative swoosh have turned my typical case of the mondays, into something I've suffered from in weeks past, but for just this once, not this week.
It's Monday morning. I worked from 9:30am to 11:30pm yesterday at my 2nd job (waitressing). After a 30 min phone conversation with the boy to discuss the trials and tribulations of my 14hr day and a shower, I was in bed by.....1ish? All of this is setting up the fact that I didn't get a whole lot of sleep. I was exhausted when my alarm went off at 6:45 this morning, then again at 7:15, and finally at 7:30 when I drug my ass out of bed. This left me approximately 30 minutes to take the dog out, blow dry my hair, send a bitchy text to my sister about the theft of my straightening iron, gather all my crap for the day and get to the car. Needless to say, I ended up running a little behind schedule. I also decided that stopping for coffee was a necessary must, and hit up starbucks before actually getting to the office. I used to think that arriving anytime after 8:30 was "late" but for the past few months if I get there by 9 I consider it a good day. So anyway, 9:05 I roll into the parking lot just to find that I'm one of the first in the office. Great. Glad I was so concerned about getting here on time. Gathering all my crap for the day (laptop, purse, coffee, remaining makeup to be applied), hiding behind my Lady Gaga sized white sunglasses, I marched into my own personal 5' x 5' hell, also known as, my desk. Lo and behold what do I find? a tiny, baby blue envelope with my name on it propped up against my keyboard! The handwriting is familiar, although I can't remember why but as I open it and notice that it's more than just a blue envelope, it's a blue envelope with a brown liner and an embossed logo of Crane&Co on the front, I know exactly who it's from. There aren't many people who would take the time to select such a simple yet elegant stationary with which to write such warm personal greetings on, who then go on to actually use it. And just like that, a little blue envelope and decorative swoosh have turned my typical case of the mondays, into something I've suffered from in weeks past, but for just this once, not this week.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
No news is typically good news, right?
Originally conceived to be a blog about my acting endeavors, the lack of "news" on that front has lead me to move in a new direction. I'm always the lead role in my own life anyway, so at least the name's still relevant. Let's be honest, very few personal blogs are read if there isn't some kind of interesting spin to them anyway and I couldn't be less interesting. Therefore, this is merely somewhere to let it out, without worrying about who's reading, because no one is, which is fine by me.
The acting thing started to fizzle out as real life started to heat up. I've since become a delivery girl for a bakery, ended a 4 year relationship, got a puppy, left the delivery job, became a waitress, started working 60+ hour weeks at my full-time job on top of that and started a new relationship which is stressful enough in and of itself (that's for another post). To say the least, I'm tired.
It's getting late and my thoughts are all starting to blur together, making me wonder why I even bothered with this post to begin with. I guess I just wanted to get something up there for all of my loyal fans to enjoy. Stay tuned for more oh-so-mundane stories from my ever entertaining (boring) daily life.
The acting thing started to fizzle out as real life started to heat up. I've since become a delivery girl for a bakery, ended a 4 year relationship, got a puppy, left the delivery job, became a waitress, started working 60+ hour weeks at my full-time job on top of that and started a new relationship which is stressful enough in and of itself (that's for another post). To say the least, I'm tired.
It's getting late and my thoughts are all starting to blur together, making me wonder why I even bothered with this post to begin with. I guess I just wanted to get something up there for all of my loyal fans to enjoy. Stay tuned for more oh-so-mundane stories from my ever entertaining (boring) daily life.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The long and short of it all
Obviously been quite some time, but things have been quiet on the home front. I must admit, I haven't exactly been super actively 'chasing the dream' these past few months. Sometimes a girl just needs a breather. There will ALWAYS be auditions and gigs, so long as you still have your sanity, and I quite frankly felt that I was losing my grip on my own, thus the break.
Shattered Focus, the film that I started working on in the spring, wrapped sometime early this summer and I hadn't done much of anything up until this past week. I finally jumped back in the saddle at a theater audition on Sunday. I was reading for 2 parts and had requested the sides ahead of time so that I could be familiar with and start to analyze the characters. The problem with this particular production is that it was made into a movie casting actresses who are so fitting for each of the parts, that it's hard to envision anyone else playing them, let alone try to recreate the characters in a "new way."
Nevertheless I made the trip across the river to a Sojo playhouse where I sat for 3 hours waiting to read for 5 minutes. (Isn't acting great?!) It's always tough being the out-of-towner, because it seems as though everyone around you knows someone (director, stage manager, the janitor...whomever) or they know each other from previous productions. Great! even more pressure to give a spectacular audition. (ya I know, typical, but hey a girl's gotta vent).
3 hours ticks by and they're finally calling for one of the parts that I want to read for. Yippee. Except that there's a decent number of women reading for this part, and every time the Board Member came out to call another one of us the woman next to me would say "Either one of us this time!" yet there always seemed to be someone else waiting to read for that part. So as you can imagine that got old REAL FAST. Finally I'm called into the room, sides in hand ready to really show them what I've got. "Ok can you just skip to the monologue on the last page of side 2 and run through that?" WHAT?! I prepped for the past week for this audition and you're only going to ask me to read a brief monologue, when there's a whole scene just waiting for my interpretation? "Oh sure, of course." Ugh.
Back to the waiting room I go, feeling less than thrilled, to wait to read for the other character. This time though, when the Board Member appeared, he came out to tell us who we'd be paired with to read for this last scene. Cool, not just a reader, but someone else auditioning for the character opposite mine. Our full names were barely out of the man's mouth when the woman I was paired with was darting to find us a quick rehearsal space. Whoa intense! but ok, I can appreciate her enthusiasm. And did I get the luck of the draw. As soon as we found somewhere to ourselves she was asking "Do you mind if I touch your face or grab your arm? I mean we're supposed to be mother and daughter so is that ok?" Of course. Anything to make the scene more believable, right? We were able to run through about 75% of the scene before we were called into the audition room. As we hurried into the room my partner turns and says "wow! you're really good!" What? Me? Really? This coming from a woman who's done the show twice in the past. Well now I'm stoked! We get in there, get it done, and I really think we killed it. I felt so comfortable with this woman and it seemed like we were really able to feed off of each other.
I pretty much floated out of the room, as I thanked everyone for the opportunity to audition (my partner had to stay behind to perform a monologue for her character) and per my usual I didn't bother to ask any particulars about when they'd be casting or if there would be call backs. In my defense, they seemed to be rushing towards the end (hence the quick monologue for character 1) but alas now I have to sit and play the waiting game for...well idk how long. Had the audition not gone so well, I might feel bad about all of this, but I really don't think I would have changed anything if I were to do it over again (yup I feel that confident) so if I'm not cast, I don't think I'll be that upset. And that is a small victory in and of itself.
Shattered Focus, the film that I started working on in the spring, wrapped sometime early this summer and I hadn't done much of anything up until this past week. I finally jumped back in the saddle at a theater audition on Sunday. I was reading for 2 parts and had requested the sides ahead of time so that I could be familiar with and start to analyze the characters. The problem with this particular production is that it was made into a movie casting actresses who are so fitting for each of the parts, that it's hard to envision anyone else playing them, let alone try to recreate the characters in a "new way."
Nevertheless I made the trip across the river to a Sojo playhouse where I sat for 3 hours waiting to read for 5 minutes. (Isn't acting great?!) It's always tough being the out-of-towner, because it seems as though everyone around you knows someone (director, stage manager, the janitor...whomever) or they know each other from previous productions. Great! even more pressure to give a spectacular audition. (ya I know, typical, but hey a girl's gotta vent).
3 hours ticks by and they're finally calling for one of the parts that I want to read for. Yippee. Except that there's a decent number of women reading for this part, and every time the Board Member came out to call another one of us the woman next to me would say "Either one of us this time!" yet there always seemed to be someone else waiting to read for that part. So as you can imagine that got old REAL FAST. Finally I'm called into the room, sides in hand ready to really show them what I've got. "Ok can you just skip to the monologue on the last page of side 2 and run through that?" WHAT?! I prepped for the past week for this audition and you're only going to ask me to read a brief monologue, when there's a whole scene just waiting for my interpretation? "Oh sure, of course." Ugh.
Back to the waiting room I go, feeling less than thrilled, to wait to read for the other character. This time though, when the Board Member appeared, he came out to tell us who we'd be paired with to read for this last scene. Cool, not just a reader, but someone else auditioning for the character opposite mine. Our full names were barely out of the man's mouth when the woman I was paired with was darting to find us a quick rehearsal space. Whoa intense! but ok, I can appreciate her enthusiasm. And did I get the luck of the draw. As soon as we found somewhere to ourselves she was asking "Do you mind if I touch your face or grab your arm? I mean we're supposed to be mother and daughter so is that ok?" Of course. Anything to make the scene more believable, right? We were able to run through about 75% of the scene before we were called into the audition room. As we hurried into the room my partner turns and says "wow! you're really good!" What? Me? Really? This coming from a woman who's done the show twice in the past. Well now I'm stoked! We get in there, get it done, and I really think we killed it. I felt so comfortable with this woman and it seemed like we were really able to feed off of each other.
I pretty much floated out of the room, as I thanked everyone for the opportunity to audition (my partner had to stay behind to perform a monologue for her character) and per my usual I didn't bother to ask any particulars about when they'd be casting or if there would be call backs. In my defense, they seemed to be rushing towards the end (hence the quick monologue for character 1) but alas now I have to sit and play the waiting game for...well idk how long. Had the audition not gone so well, I might feel bad about all of this, but I really don't think I would have changed anything if I were to do it over again (yup I feel that confident) so if I'm not cast, I don't think I'll be that upset. And that is a small victory in and of itself.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Just keep your head above water
The internet. What a great way for those of us without representation to gather information about casting calls and available roles. Until you find yourself drowning in websites that prove to be less than legitimate.
Enter any of the following phrases (casting calls philadelphia, acting philadelphia, open casting calls, etc.) and you may find yourself bombarded with websites boasting "Free Casting Calls!" "Proven to Boost your Acting Career!" "Act your way to Stardom!" How is a person expected to weed through all of this to find the auditions and calls that are worth the time and are not scams? I don't have a foolproof answer but I do have some thoughts on the subject that may or may not be worth hearing. If you don't feel like listening, just scroll to the bottom of the post for a list of sites that I check daily. Each offers pertinent and accurate casting information.
Although the acting community didn't go around setting up faux casting sites littered with promises of fame, casting calls launching your career, and undeniably plastered with ads and links guaranteed to do nothing more than infiltrate your computer with viruses, these sites and the time that it takes to divulge each one has become the first road block in stopping those who aren't willing to sacrifice their time. There is no one site that will offer all casting calls available everywhere. You must be ready to invest some q.t. into sorting through all of the potential sites. It's not always fun but hey, it builds character, right?
In the never-ending search for the perfect role, keep in mind that you're probably not going to find it at this stage of the game. Most large roles for feature films are cast through agents and agencies, that's not to say that some don't stray from the norm and hold open calls, just don't get discouraged if you're not finding lead roles for the next summer blockbuster posted on public sites. Take time now to audition for and work on independent and student films. No they usually don't pay, but they'll offer great experience both positive and negative and give you material to use for your reel. Never ever think that you're too good for a role. You can always use these projects to experience new characters and sides of your personality that you may not have had the opportunity to unleash yet.
Remember, everybody, well maybe not the Olsen Twins, but everybody else had to be a nobody at some point. You'll get your chance. Work hard, practice your craft, take on every role you can find, and take deep cleansing breaths while sorting through those casting call sites.
As promised here are a few sites that I check on a regular basis and trust for accurate and up to date casting information. Enjoy!
1. Greater Philadelphia Film Office
2. Heery Casting Agency
3. Philip Jacobson
4. Alan Baltes Casting Blog
5. Theater Alliance of Greater Philadelphia
Enter any of the following phrases (casting calls philadelphia, acting philadelphia, open casting calls, etc.) and you may find yourself bombarded with websites boasting "Free Casting Calls!" "Proven to Boost your Acting Career!" "Act your way to Stardom!" How is a person expected to weed through all of this to find the auditions and calls that are worth the time and are not scams? I don't have a foolproof answer but I do have some thoughts on the subject that may or may not be worth hearing. If you don't feel like listening, just scroll to the bottom of the post for a list of sites that I check daily. Each offers pertinent and accurate casting information.
Although the acting community didn't go around setting up faux casting sites littered with promises of fame, casting calls launching your career, and undeniably plastered with ads and links guaranteed to do nothing more than infiltrate your computer with viruses, these sites and the time that it takes to divulge each one has become the first road block in stopping those who aren't willing to sacrifice their time. There is no one site that will offer all casting calls available everywhere. You must be ready to invest some q.t. into sorting through all of the potential sites. It's not always fun but hey, it builds character, right?
In the never-ending search for the perfect role, keep in mind that you're probably not going to find it at this stage of the game. Most large roles for feature films are cast through agents and agencies, that's not to say that some don't stray from the norm and hold open calls, just don't get discouraged if you're not finding lead roles for the next summer blockbuster posted on public sites. Take time now to audition for and work on independent and student films. No they usually don't pay, but they'll offer great experience both positive and negative and give you material to use for your reel. Never ever think that you're too good for a role. You can always use these projects to experience new characters and sides of your personality that you may not have had the opportunity to unleash yet.
Remember, everybody, well maybe not the Olsen Twins, but everybody else had to be a nobody at some point. You'll get your chance. Work hard, practice your craft, take on every role you can find, and take deep cleansing breaths while sorting through those casting call sites.
As promised here are a few sites that I check on a regular basis and trust for accurate and up to date casting information. Enjoy!
1. Greater Philadelphia Film Office
2. Heery Casting Agency
3. Philip Jacobson
4. Alan Baltes Casting Blog
5. Theater Alliance of Greater Philadelphia
Monday, May 25, 2009
Frosted Mini Wheat Personality
It's so easy to get discouraged in this industry. With the number of people pursuing the same dreams it's easier to be overshadowed rather than be the one in the spotlight. For today though, my attitude is one of confidence a positiveness, but that could be due to the fact that the sun is shining and I'm sitting by the pool doing nothing but relaxing. Tomorrow when I'm stuck at the office, surrounded by the 3 walls of my cubicle confining me to the monotonous minutia of the everyday, I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune.
Sometimes I completely understand what it's like to suffer from bipolar disorder, getting to know 2 completely different sides to my personality who function completely separate of each other. I find that each morning I wake up not knowing which will be the face that I wear for that day. The frosted side of my mini-wheat personality is unbelievable positive, walking through life with a "why not me attitude" about my hopes and dreams in the acting world. She spends her time scouring the internet for any kernel of information that could help move me forward, trying to find audition notices, and practicing my craft. The unfrosted side however spends her time in a dark place dwelling on inexperience, location (the east coast, instead of the west) and the overall small fish in a big sea scenario. Instead of contemplating the "why not" phenomenon she wonders "Why me? What could I possibly have to offer that is better than anyone else out there? I'm too old with no formal training to expect anything to ever come out of these endeavors."
I don't like her, but sometimes I have to wonder if she is just the realistic side of it all, trying to keep me from getting hurt too badly in the end, should the "big break" never come about. Can I really expect all that much to come out of Philadelphia? This isn't an industry that you can just sit back and let wash over you until the right wave rolls up to your shore. And it's also not an industry where you can go at it half heartedly, as a part time job. You need to be out auditioning for everything that's available without stipulations of time/commitment/other occupations.
I guess I have some thinking to do. But for today my frosted side is shining through and hey...didn't everyone have to start out as a no one once?
Sometimes I completely understand what it's like to suffer from bipolar disorder, getting to know 2 completely different sides to my personality who function completely separate of each other. I find that each morning I wake up not knowing which will be the face that I wear for that day. The frosted side of my mini-wheat personality is unbelievable positive, walking through life with a "why not me attitude" about my hopes and dreams in the acting world. She spends her time scouring the internet for any kernel of information that could help move me forward, trying to find audition notices, and practicing my craft. The unfrosted side however spends her time in a dark place dwelling on inexperience, location (the east coast, instead of the west) and the overall small fish in a big sea scenario. Instead of contemplating the "why not" phenomenon she wonders "Why me? What could I possibly have to offer that is better than anyone else out there? I'm too old with no formal training to expect anything to ever come out of these endeavors."
I don't like her, but sometimes I have to wonder if she is just the realistic side of it all, trying to keep me from getting hurt too badly in the end, should the "big break" never come about. Can I really expect all that much to come out of Philadelphia? This isn't an industry that you can just sit back and let wash over you until the right wave rolls up to your shore. And it's also not an industry where you can go at it half heartedly, as a part time job. You need to be out auditioning for everything that's available without stipulations of time/commitment/other occupations.
I guess I have some thinking to do. But for today my frosted side is shining through and hey...didn't everyone have to start out as a no one once?
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